again.why? please somebody tell why is she like that?? i can't even talk about it.i can't be perfect mother.why are you doing this to me? and then i wonder why do i feel so depressed every day.i knew it had reason.im not crazy.everybody thinks that im insane.im not.i just have problems i don't want to talk about with my parents.or at least with my mother.and my dad probably wouldn't understand.im so sick of this.

i officially hate my mother.she is such a bothersome person.i can't stand it.if i say nothing happened in school then nothing happened no matter how much nervous i am.i wish she would just say 'if there's something that bothering you tell me' or something like that.it's like she's forcing me to lie.i can handle everything in the school.it's just four more years.and i of course i get pissed and i yell and it's my fault.i don't like my class okay? they are all bunch of idiots that has nothing better to do except for complaining to others.and yes even those i went in class from first to fourth grade.yes,they are like that too.but you can't say that to her normally.she just can't take it in her head.i wish she's like my dad.he knows when it's enough and he'd leave you alone if you want to.god damn it.im not saying im good or better than them.im trying to be that.im trying not to be like them but that doesn't really makes me different.and that's the reason.i don't like myself.if im not different than them then i don't want to be with them.with someone like me.i don't know.maybe it's really better for me to start liking myself.it's stuck on my mind so bad.but,today is my dearest friend's birthday so i should be happy for her at least today.i can't wait to start attending the high school so i could just be with her.

my mom told me things i was afraid of hearing.she said that im not studying(which is actually not true and i wrote about it) and that all im doing is sitting in front of the computer.and that's why my spine is curve and that she hasn't seen me in living not even once with others watching tv or talking or some other shit.it's true.it's all true.what what can i do with family that doesn't understand me at all.yeah im a teenager what do they expect from me? to be hard-working? to just talk to them like it's nothing? i think she forgot that she was a teenager too.and it really pissed me off.i didn't said that my family isn't my life.it is.i love them but they don't even try to understand me.and tumblr is not stupid site okay? there are a lot of people that have same problems like me.they feel me.that's my little world.maybe,if it wasn't for that site i probably wouldn't be here right now.typing this.im staying alive because of internet.and all those people.she said that im escaping reality and that i don't have any girl friends.yes,but my reality sucks.internet is maybe a world of lies where everything is perfect but so what if i escape to it time from time? and i have friends.i have girl friend i really love.she may not be only one i hang out with but she's best of them.seriously.and i have tumblr friends.friends who don't bully me and friends who understands me.i just wish my parents would get that.

hmm im such a bad friend.im selfish.always whining about having no friends but im not nice one.im saying this but im not sure if it's true.i mean,my best friend is maybe not my best friend anymore.and it's killing me.i mean,he's kind of annoying and everyone at school thinks that too.he can be sweet and funny but sometimes that funny isn't really funny.he even pushed me in front of a car.it was an accident but i have could've die there.and he's asking people if he can come to their house.to someone it maybe is not problem,but for me it kind of is? it's just,it would be rude to say no but what if i actually can't? i'll have to talk to him.

anyway i stared my new terms not so good.i got D from biology.and it she gave us test because my class was talking of course.but what does that have to do with me? i never talk at class.why do i have to suffer 'cause of others? ugh i hate that so much.and i hate that teacher.i don't care if she's sister of our homeroom teacher.whatever.

what the fuck? i'll kill them,i swear.if they ever say that im not studying or that im against studying from two pm to seven pm i'll rip their faces off.cause i've been trying not only not play on computer but also not to touch it and they want to take it away from me? if that actually happens,im out off here.im just taking all the books,all my clothes and im going somewhere else.cause i won't study for nothing.especially if i don't have any tests or anything next day.
i have no books to read except the shitty required reading for school.and that's what they're calling literature.i read what i want and i won't read those 'adult' books cause im 14,not 34.if i want to read teenage books i'll read them.by the way,books about animes don't exist mom.
and what kind of world are they talking about? from all of their stories and speeches i know what reality is like.i mean,otherwise they'd told me that life is like field of butterflies like other parents tell to their children.and i know what it's like to be invisible and bullied and everything.but i don't give a shit about it all.if i'd give a fuck it would be best for me to kill myself.why do should i care? to fight? what for? better life? i want to go to america,japan and everywhere else.and what,im fighting so they could tell me one day that i can't go there? see,that's the reason why i don't give a damn.i know well what is it gonna be and what would it be.

i think it was bad for me to watch perfect blue after all.it's like i was paranoid all day.i hate that feeling.even now,i can't look into room of my parents..
ahh,i hate the fact that im so laaazy and that i forget this so easily.
soo,i will seriously kill everyone in my class.im not weak.i could kick their asses if i want to but im too tired every day..anyway,im doing those exercises for my spine and it's really hard so for 5 months i'll beat them up.all of them.even girls.except for one.she's going on karate and judo eheh..he.
and that bitch teacher of serbian.ughhhhhrr i just want to rip her face off.
and i don't what to do on twitter or even here.my last couple of days are pretty..boring.im not doing anything.nothing is happening.

but those questions i get on formspring every day are great,really! i love them.and i love the people who send them.i mean,i thought formspring is place where only popular kind ask each other anonymous.but there are actually smart and kind people.

ohh i haven't write for 3 days..man.w-well it's not like i had anything to write..
i hate my class so much.what fucking friends they are.today,on geography someone was texting and teacher heard that someone got message.of course,she asked who had the phone and no one replied.she was angry and said that she'll mention it on teachers' council.and we were already chosed for the worst class in school.some of us even have the rebuke.and we find out that it was a sick kid in our clas (problems with heart).we said to our homeroom teacher and was like okay,nevermind.
we were so angry.gosh.i mean,yeah he's ill and everything but that doesn't mean he isn't our friend god..we're always protecting him,always and he couldn't say it.man,the teacher wouldn't do anything to him.

of course i haven't done anything smart today.b-buut,i changed songs on my mp4 and found some new Lana Del Reys songs hehe.♥
also,i was thinking about high school next year.i don't know should i go to hs in my city or somewhere else.i don't know.im scared since my best friend is going in other town.i would go too but im scared of meeting new people and showing my weakness to them.and still i don't wanna stay here cause i hate them all.goshh such a hard decision.
and i got questions today:
'what kind of person would be totally opposite of you?'
i can't answer it cause sometimes i feel like there are two me in this body.i mean,sometimes i can be shy and quiet but sometimes im loud and outgoing.oh yeah,probably the only thing is that she would hate animals and art and books.yeah.

ahh,it's finally friday.everything is perfect except the fact that i have to do exercises now hehe.but at least i'll get some sleep tonight.
im still sick buut i hope i'll be better tomorrow.
oh yeah i watched kung fu panda while ago.i love that movie.i love kung fu.i love pandas.
i wish i could be kung fu master ahh.

i screwed up my grades this year again.my parents were talking the same story again.im so sick of listening to it but then again i don't study.im really shitty daughter.
and i have to do exercises for my spine again.but im sick,i don't know how the fuck will i do them.
and i decided to write once a day,usually at this time so i could just let it all flow about my day.

im kind of upset i didn't make to write on halloween.i was doing a project with friend.
school was terrible of course but im trying to relax listening to one ok rock.i love them.
ahh,i saw the boy i used to like today.maybe i still do.he's kind of an ass but we love same music and have same opinion on some things,it's not easy to ignore..
and i had different hairstyle today,everybody said that im cute gosh.
im sick also.

im feeling little better today.school was hell today but whatever.my dad took the fact that im bad in school pretty well.i was so suprised! but i had to study again lol.i guess watching totoro again got my mod up.i love totoro.
finished 'the book thief' last night.god,it's so perfect! i even cried.you can actually feel all the sadness and pain of Lizels' life in Germany 1939.ahhh,i want to spoil everything but i can't cause you gotta it read for yourself.what hitler did to those jews was horrible.i seriously don't know how could anyone follow him.
i even knew one girl that admire hitler and what he was doing just so she can  have different opinion than other.man,come on.i know he thought he's doing right thing for his country but where are the jews in that whole thing? they never did a frickin' thing!
i know it's kind of stupid to talk about things in past but i really thought a lot about it.
no offense to anyone who has the same opinion like that girl!

wow im answering to some questions on formspring that really got me thinking about life and myself.

i was bullied again today.but im patient.hell patient.but i had my moments where i couldn't be 'cool'. i just broke down and i wanted to crush everything i see.i don't care who or what it'll be.
i really don't get them.whenever im being normal and myself they are like 'omg,that a loser;she's so whiny how can she even walk?' (beacuse im not good at sports and other) and when i 'live up' and punch someone when im mad or when i do anything it's like 'wow what a bitch,so hysterical,maniac.' what the fuck do they want from me? every other girl in my class is like that but they can't say anything to them cause they're 'popular' and that shit.

gosh im so tired.school tomorrow again.noo.i feel kind of sad and nostalgic right now and it's so annoying.i miss the summer so much.and him.

today i ate an orange and cried because it's sour.it reminded of me so i couldn't throw away the rest.

 that describes me so much.and that whole song.

.

Beginning.

okay now i doubt anyone will see this but hi!
here i'll write about my teenage life,boring but yeah i'll do it.
my name is Heidi,im 14 years old.
i loove anime so don't mind if you see me typing japanese words or uploading pictures.
i also love Lana Del Rey.♥
for the start my life is nothing special and i have problems like every other teenagers do.